Most Common Issue I See With Couples

Charles A. Jennings, M.C., LPC

    Far and away the most common problem couples present with in my office is the issue of marital government, i.e. who is the "head" in the relationship and how decisions are made.  Put simply, it is a struggle to control while at the same time avoiding responsibility.  In Genesis chapter three, we read about the so called "marriage curse," in which sin has a two sided effect on the husband-wife relationship.  One is that the woman will covertly desire to act as the "head" of the family unit, which God has chosen the man to be, and the other is that the man will dodge his role as "head" and instead act like an angry, detached, blaming, and somewhat heartless ruler.  This crisis of "headship" is often attributed by couples to their claimed distrust of each other.

    Most couple's whom I see who are experiencing discord have the perception that their relationship should be 50-50, with each having equal authority and say in all decisions of consequence.  What this amounts to is a "democracy of two."   Once I state their belief in those words, they can quickly identify the basic flaw -- the inability to break a tie vote.  While they were dating, they rarely if ever disagreed enough on any issue to reveal their flawed belief.  One of them most always would give in to the other before discord resulted.  After they marry (or have sex), the person who thinks that he or she tended to "give-in" more frequently begins to demand, what seems to him or her, more fairness.  Despite the impossibility of a democracy of two ever working long term, they remain steadfast in their belief that if they just talk out their differences long enough, they will ultimately reach agreement on every issue.  At this point some might seek counseling thinking that they have a communication problem, but more typically they continue to be frustrated in their attempts to talk it out.  When anger and fear set in, they each begin to label the other as an enemy, the one having "the problem."

    With no relief in sight, couples tend to take one of two courses of action, acting outward, or acting inward.  For those who choose the outward course, the relationship is often marked by any or all of the following: arguing, yelling, name calling, use of insulting sexual descriptors, vulgarities, demeaning body language (rolling of eyes, sneering, etc.), or physical violence to person or property.  For those who choose the inward course, the relationship is often characterized by any or all of the following: coldness, silence, avoiding of each other, leaving the home, cessation of sexual intimacy, affairs, sexual fantasies, pornography or romance novels and soap operas, increased time spent at work, stale conversations, substance abuse, or over focusing on children or personal activities.  It is usually these secondary symptoms that get the couple's attention and desire for counseling.

    Here are two questions to ponder on this matter.  What is the difference between biblical "headship" and being the boss?  What is the difference between submission and obedience with respect to the marriage relationship?  The differences are subtle but crucial when determining God's calling to the man and woman in the marriage relationship.