When is divorce & remarriage scriptural?

The following pages, 207-218, excerpted from the book Man To Man, by Charles Swindoll are used by permission of the publisher The Zondervan Corporation, per grant ID 25865

 

Writing about marriage is enjoyable; writing about divorce is not.

When I wrote a book about marriage (Strike the Original Match), I struck an agreement with my readers. That agreement was to dig into the Scriptures and find out what wonderful things God says He can do in a marriage with two willing partners. We consulted the Architect of the home and discovered His original blueprint for getting it all together. We repaired the foundation by returning to that great passage in Genesis 2 and learning about severance, permanence, unity; and intimacy. We studied about those necessary bricks that build a marriage, how to keep our honeymoon from ending, ways to handle our conflicts, and even some tips on wise money management.

Written across every page of that book was the word HOPE. We openly admitted our imperfections and we willingly declared our need for divine assistance. Every major point and principle was affirmed by Scripture . . . so we did not build a case on human opinion. Time and again we returned to the "original match" to analyze, compare, observe, and learn. We were reassured that there was no marital problem so great that God could not solve it. Rebuilding and rekindling were the recurring themes. We found that no marriage ) no matter how weak or scarred ) need end.

I agree with a friend of mine in San Francisco. Two processes ought never be entered into prematurely: embalming and divorce. Time and again I suggested ways in which a marriage could be salvaged. Because I firmly believe there is nothing impossible with God. Because I have seen Him turn numerous husbands and wives around ) 180 degrees. Because it was never His original design that homes be destroyed. And because His Word is filled with promises that hold out hope to those who have blown it. But...

Divorce still occurs. Now, more than ever. Often against the desire of one of the partners. Often in spite of assistance, effort, and much prayer by friends. Often between two Christians ) yes, often. And always where biblical principles were unknown, ignored, or openly violated. Yes, divorce happens. It's a fact we may hate (I confess, I really do!), but one we cannot deny.

And so, I want to strike a deal with you. Instead of dodging divorce and acting like it's not there, let's face it squarely. Even though I would much prefer not to, we haven't got that option.

I will be brief (there are entire books written on the subject), biblical, and compassionate. But in spite of these efforts, I'm sure some of you will be offended and others will misunderstand. Such is inevitable, unfortunately.

A CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT

I'm convinced that there is no way any group of Christians picked at random would ever come to unanimity on this subject. I'll go further. I don't believe a bus load of American evangelical theologians would be in unanimous agreement on divorce and remarriage even if they toured the United States an entire summer! It's a controversial issue, for sure. Therefore, no matter what I may conclude, I am confident some very reliable, competent, and equally sincere people will disagree. So save your cards and letters!

I am also confident of this: It's time some of us in the evangelical camp came up front and addressed the issue boldly. Many a divorced person is grinding out his or her life under an enormous load of unnecessary guilt. While I certainly would not desire to soften the penetrating blows of the Spirit of God (if, in fact, it is the Spirit producing conviction), I do hope that my words provide the breathing room God has allowed in certain instances. Of greatest concern to me is that someone might read these pages and misinterpret what l am saying. Disagreement is one thing; misinterpretation is another. And the emotions surrounding something as stressful as divorce have a way of playing tricks on one's mind, increasing the possibility of misinterpreting what one reads.

Let's make a deal. I promise to be as accurate, clear, and concise as I can possibly be with what I write if you will be equally as careful with what you read. Work hard at not reading into this something I am not saying . . . or take to an extreme something I am trying to keep in proper balance. In issues as controversial as this one, the vehicle of communication must be finely tuned. Let's both do our part, okay?

NOT IN GOD'S ORIGINAL BLUEPRINT

It should surprise no one that divorce was never in the original blueprint for the home. Not only is that implied in the Genesis account, it is clearly stated by Jesus:

"Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way" (Matthew 19:8, emphasis mine).

The original match was simple and clear: one man (Adam) with one woman (Eve) joined together in a permanent union (marriage) throughout life. How perfect! Yes, and how innocent! Remember, sin was not yet present. Nor a carnal nature within human life. In the beginning days of the home (think of it!), there was absolute perfection.

Man was totally innocent. Uncontaminated. As we read in Genesis 5:1)2:

...in the day when God created man, He made him in the likeness of God. He created them male and female, and He blessed them and named them Man in the day when they were created.

Clear enough, isn't it? Sinlessness. God's likeness infused into two human beings. The very image of God was stamped upon His creation.

SIN'S Shattering EFFECT ON MARRIAGE

But wait. Read on. In the same chapter, the very next verse, this is recorded:

When Adam had lived one hundred and thirty years, he became the father of a son in his own likeness, according to his image, and named him Seth.

Notice the difference? The dad had originally been created in God's likeness, but when Seth came along, he was in Adam's likeness ) "according to his [his father's] image." Why? Sin had invaded. Genesis 3 tells the grim story. And with the invasion of sin came all its horrible consequences, not the least of which was the beginning of strife, both internal (the root) and external (the fruit).

The disease impacted everything and everyone. Conflict replaced harmony. War replaced peace. Sorrow replaced joy. And things like disobedience, rebellion, argumentation, and even murder became the status quo. In nations. In cities. And in homes as well. Yes, marriages were not exempt. Unlike the original match, husbands and wives became selfish, demanding, brutal, unfaithful, angry, hateful, and competitive.

The nation Israel, God's chosen people, ultimately began to lose their distinction. They ignored God's directions and intermarried with foreigners ) non-Israelites. The Jew-Gentile mixture was more than God would allow. . . so a compromise was provided by Moses. A "certificate of divorce" (Deuteronomy 24:1)4) was permitted due to the rampant epidemic that was threatening the uniqueness of Israel. Because of the stubborn, rebellious will of sinful people ) Jesus called it "hardness of heart" ) divorce evolved. But remember, it was not desired or designed in God's original arrangement for marriage. Sin polluted the plan.

Let's see if I can illustrate the problem another way. Pretend you and your family save enough money to buy a swimming pool. You meet with a builder and you discuss your design preferences. He smiles as he watches you sign the contract and give him your first check. The hole is dug, the reinforcement steel is installed, the cement is blown in, the plaster and tile are finished, and everybody is ecstatic. He kept his word and you paid the bill. Now, of course, the water needs to be added. As the pool begins to fill up, a strange color appears before your eyes

) Green. Not crystal clear. . . not even bright blue. No, it's green. And the longer you watch, the greener it gets!

Now, you never intended to have green water. You envisioned a sparkling, clear, inviting pool. . . that was your original plan. But an enemy has come without invitation. Germs. And the longer that enemy stays, uncontested, the more putrid the pool appears. So you must make a concession. A compromise is essential, unless you choose to fill up the pool with dirt and forget all about swimming. You must add chemicals. Chlorine and acid and other materials must be placed into your lovely, once-white-and-ideal pool. They will burn your eyes and bleach your swimsuit. . . but if you're going to have a pool at all, chemicals must be used to counteract the germs. Like it or not (and you don't), you must compromise with the original plan.

And so it is with marriage. Because of the harsh presence and consequences of sin, divorce was permitted, lest marriage and the distinctives of a home that modeled Jehovah's character be completely nullified and destroyed. In that sense, divorce became a way of salvaging the believer's distinctives. But remember ) it was never God's original intention or desire. It was permitted once the ravages of sinfulness reached threatening proportions.

WHEN IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO REMARRY?

Enough of history. Let's come to the present. The question everyone wants answered is this: When is divorce permissible? Because of limited time and space, I will spare you a lot of verbiage and supportive quotations. Suffice it to say, I will answer the question with remarriage in mind. In other words, my answers assume that we are really asking, "Are there any biblical grounds for remarriage?"

I believe there are. I have searched the Scriptures, read everything I can get my hands on, and discussed this issue with my wife, my friends, fellow staff, and church board members, pastors, many theological professors, and other serious students of the Bible. I have talked with numerous divorced people, single persons, married couples, publishers, authors on the subject, and authorities in the field ) both Christian and non-Christian. Here are my conclusions, simplified for the sake of clarity.

I believe the Christian has biblical grounds for remarriage when the divorce transpired under one of three situations.

A Marriage and Divorce Prior to Salvation

1. When the marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation. In 2 Corinthians 5:17 we read these words:

Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

I take this literally. I even take it to the extreme! I think "new" means "new."... So when God promises the believing sinner that he is "a new creature," then I take that to mean exactly that. A brand new, fresh creation. Unlike before.

The Greek term "kainos" means . . . "that which is unaccustomed or unused, not new in time, recent, but new as to form or quality, of different nature from what is contrasted as old. "Fresh" would be an acceptable synonym. It is used in the New Testament to describe Christ's "new commandment" to His disciples (John 13:34), the "new covenant" (Matthew 26:28)29), the sinner being made a "new man" (Ephesians 2:15), having a "new self" (Ephesians 4:24), our being given a "new name" in heaven (Revelation 2:17), and the "new heaven and a new earth" John the apostle saw (Revelation 21:1).

There can be no question about it, this has in mind the brand new, fresh, unused creature one becomes at the moment of salvation. And if that isn't enough, Paul goes on to add "the old things passed away" at that same time. Again, I take that literally. The old life, with all its old characteristics and sins. They are, in grace, removed. The best word is forgiven. Totally and completely.

If that seems too extreme for you, perhaps it would help to read, slowly, those opening words in Ephesians 2:

And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience.

Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places, in Christ Jesus, in order that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus (vv. 1)7).

and just a few verses later in the same chapter:

So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God's household, having been built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together is growing into a holy temple in the Lord; in whom you also are being built together into a dwelling of God in the Spirit (vv. 19)22).

Quite frankly, it is beyond my comprehension that passages such as these (there are dozens more) exclude divorce. If they do, then divorce is the only sin not covered by the blood of Christ. It is the one, permanent spot in our past that cannot be washed away. Furthermore, its then questionable that we can take the words of David at face value when he writes:

He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:10)12)

No, I believe "new" means "new." And when God promises the passing away of "old things," it surely includes divorce prior to salvation. After all, being alienated from God and at enmity with Him, how could any unbeliever possibly know His will regarding the choice of a lifetime mate? Having thought through this very carefully, I believe it falls within the context of God's superabundant grace to wipe our slate clean when we turn, by faith, to Christ the Lord.

When the marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation, I believe God grants His "new creation" the freedom to remarry.

An Immoral and Unrepentant Partner

2. When one mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marriage partner.

Much has been written on this particular issue, I realize. I repeat, I have read everything I can get my hands on, so l do not write these words hurriedly or superficially. I am fully aware of the difficulties connected with determining who is really the guilty party when it comes to sexual promiscuity. I also acknowledge the subjectivity involved in identifying "sexual immorality." Such matters must be carefully determined, usually with the help of a qualified counselor who can provide objectivity and wisdom in matters this serious. Each case must be considered independently.

Nevertheless, we cannot ignore or deny what Christ said in Matthew 19:9:

"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."

All sorts of interpretations have been suggested to explain what our Lord was saying. Frankly, having examined every one of the suggestions and theories (some of them are incredibly forced and complicated), I return to the verse and accept it at face value.

Throughout my Christian life I have operated under a very simple ) yet reliable ) principle of interpretation: If the normal sense makes good sense, seek no other sense.

Let's do that here. Jesus is answering a question (it's in verse 3) asked by some Pharisees. It's a question related to divorce:

"Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?"

This leads to a second question (v. 7) having to do with the reason divorce was permitted in the first place:

"Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate and divorce her?"

His answer is clear:

He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way."

And then, to clarify the matter even further, He adds:

"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."

This is Christ's personal counsel regarding justification for divorce and remarriage. That is the "normal sense" of the verse, hence we need not seek any other sense. The only thing that might help is to understand the meaning of the original term translated "immorality."

It is the Greek word porneia, from which we get the term "pornography." Throughout the New Testament it is used repeatedly as a term to describe illicit sexual activity. In the case of married partners, it would refer to intimate sexual involvement with someone other than one's mate ) someone either of the opposite (heterosexual infidelity) or of the same sex (homosexual activity).

Our Lord has reaffirmed that in the beginning (Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden), divorce was not present. But due to the "hardness of heart" permission was granted to allow divorce. Jesus spells out in detail when such a divorce and remarriage would be acceptable. When a spouse is guilty of immoral sexual conduct with another person and is unwilling to remain faithful to the innocent partner, the option is there for the faithful mate to divorce and remarry.

Before moving on to the third reason, let me ask you to reread that last sentence. I want to amplify it for a few moments. Two thoughts need to be emphasized. First, this is not simply a case of quickie sex on the sly ) a one-time-only experience. This is porneia. I take this to mean an immorality that suggests a sustained unwillingness to remain faithful. I hesitate to use the term lest I be misinterpreted ) but I think of the idea of an immoral lifestyle, an obvious determination to practice a promiscuous relationship outside the bonds of marriage.

Second, the faithful mate has the option to leave. . . but such is not mandatory. I have seen numerous marriages rebuilt rather than ended because the faithful partner had no inner peace pursuing a divorce. How much better to look for ways to make the marriage work rather than anxiously anticipate evidence that is needed to break off the relationship. But there are occasions when every attempt has been made to keep the marriage together. . . but sustained sexual infidelity won't allow it. Itis in such cases our Lord grants freedom from that miserable and unbearable bond.

Desertion By an Unbeliever

3. When one of the mates is an unbeliever and willfully and permanently deserts the believing partner.

In order for us to understand this, we need to read 1 Corinthians 7:12)15 very carefully.

But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother [a Christian] has a wife who is an unbeliever [a non-Christian], and she consents to live with him, let him not send her away.

And a woman [a Christian] who has an unbelieving husband [a non- Christian], and he consents to live with her, let her not send her husband away.

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.

Yet if the unbelieving one [a non-Christian] leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister [a Christian] is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.

Paul is giving sound advice on marriage. He is offering counsel nowhere else revealed in Scripture. This passage is unique in that it addresses the very common problem of a mixed marriage, i.e., one partner is a Christian, the other is not. Interestingly, the counsel does not assume that such marriages are always unbearable. On the contrary, there are times when harmony and compatibility (to an extent) are possible. In such cases the Christian is strictly forbidden to walk away from the marriage. If the unbeliever desires to remain ) stay put!

But there are occasions when "the unbelieving one leaves." Please take note that he or she is not forced out. No, the non-Christian mate willfully deserts, walks out, refuses to stay, chooses to leave. What's God's counsel to the Christian who is left?". . . let him leave." In other words, the Christian is not under obligation to plead, to beg, to bargain, or to force the non-Christian partner to remain. Rather,". . . let him leave."

But that is not the end of this counsel. Verse 15 goes on to say:

...the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases....

Of course, the key phrase is "not under bondage." Its meaning? Well, at the root of the Greek term is doulos, the New Testament term for "slave." Slaves were bound to their masters, inseparably linked to them. It is a strong word suggesting a firm, solid tie. I'm reminded of the verse in Genesis 2 that says the man "cleaves" to his wife. Remember, that word means "glue." Paul clearly has the marriage bond in mind here. Later in the chapter, he refers to this bond as being terminated at the death of one's mate:

A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married. . . (1 Corinthians 7:3 9, emphasis mine).

That verse clearly states that death frees us from the "bondage" of marriage, allowing the freedom of remarriage.

It is the term "bound" that interests us. Back in verse 15 we are told that the deserted Christian is not in bondage any longer. The normal sense of that term is clear. There is no need to seek some other sense. Being free of that "bondage" obviously means being free of the responsibility of that marriage. The desertion of the unsaved partner breaks the bond, thus freeing the believer to divorce and remarry.

Kenneth Wuest's Expanded Translation handles the thought quite capably:

"A [Christian] brother or [Christian] sister is not in the position of a slave, namely, bound to the unbelieving husband or unbelieving wife in an indissoluble union in cases such as these; but God has called us [to live] in peace."

You probably don't need to be told that all sorts of suggestions have been made by sincere and qualified students of Scripture to explain what constitutes desertion . . . and to spell out what "not under bondage" really means. Because I promised to spare you numerous quotations and tedious pages of verbiage, I'll not attempt to represent all the opinions that range from unbelievably conservative to downright crazy (in my opinion!). But perhaps a word of caution is needed.

When we read of the departure of the unbelieving partner, obviously Paul is not referring to a temporary, quick decision to chuck it all and bail out. . . only to return in a little while. No, leaving means leaving. Permanence is definitely in mind. It implies a determined and willful decision that results in leaving the relationship with no desire to return, no interest in cultivating that home, no plan to bear the responsibilities, and no commitment to the vows once taken. That's "leaving." And the one being left has little doubt in such cases. The marriage is over. Finished. Ended.

A SUMMARY AND A WARNING

I agree with John R. W. Stott that "[Divorce was] a divine concession to human weakness." "No Christian should aggressively seek the dissolution of his or her marriage bond. Some of the very best things God has to teach His children are learned while working through marital difficulties. Endless stories could be told of how God honored the perseverance of abused and ignored partners as they refused to give up.

But in certain extreme cases, against the wishes and efforts of the committed mate, the marriage bond is destroyed beyond any human ability to restore it. Scripture teaches that God's "divine concession to human weakness" is occasionally justified, allowing the Christian divorced person the right and freedom to remarry in the Lord. There are three such cases set forth in God's Word, each provided by His grace:

1. When the marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation (2 Corinthians 5:17)

2. When one's mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marriage partner (Matthew 19:9)

3. When one of the mates is an unbeliever and willfully and permanently deserts the believing partner (1 Corinthians 7:15)

Before closing, a warning must be sounded. Being human and sinful and weak, we are all equipped with a remarkable ability to rationalize. Unless we consciously guard against it, when we experience marital difficulties, we'll begin to search for a way out instead of a way through. Given sufficient time in the crucible, divorce will seem our only option, our long-awaited and much-deserved utopia. And we will begin to push in that direction, at times ignoring the inner voice of God's Spirit and at other times violating the written principles of God's Word. Either is a grievous act.

I warn all of us against such thought and actions. To carry out that carnal procedure is to short-circuit the better plan God has arranged for His people and, worse than that, is to twist the glorious grace of God into a guilt-relieving excuse for giving us what we have devised instead of accepting what He has designed.

Where God permits divorce and remarriage, humbly let us accept it without fear or guilt. Let us not call "unclean" what He now calls clean. But neither let us put words in His mouth and make Him say what He, in fact, has not said. No matter how miserable we may be.

There is something much worse than living with a mate in disharmony. It's living with God in disobedience.