When is a child mature enough to leave home?

    When reading this question, the word that catches my attention is "child."  As parents we tend to think of our offspring as "children" regardless of their age, but I cannot dismiss the possibility that the inquirer was referring to a minor child, so I will deal with that aspect first.

    If the question relates to a minor child, the issue of maturity might not be the first or only issue to examine.  It might prove wise to check your state's laws on this subject because parents can and are held responsible to varying degrees for the welfare and behavior of minor children, regardless of whether or not they live at home.  Parents might think that their 17-year-old daughter is mature enough to leave home, but their state court might not be swayed by that argument in the event she comes under court jurisdiction for a matter.  From my viewpoint, I would wonder why a minor would want to leave home.  Is there a pride issue that is masking ignorance of what lies ahead, or is there strife or abuse from which the "child" is trying to escape?  When our 17-year-old son said he wanted to move out and be on his own, it was obvious that pride and ignorance were an issue so we helped him prepare for the move by assigning and guiding him in the task of preparing a budget based on real world information.  His findings were touching, humbling, educational, and humorous, and he decided to stay with us for a while longer.

    If the term "child" refers to someone 18 years old or older, then we have a different situation.  The issue of maturity might be considered from two angles, one dealing with basic life skills, and the other dealing with emotional preparedness.  These two seem to becoming more and more in short supply these days.  Fewer parents are empowering their children in their late teens to practice adult skills.  Skills that seem to be missing, particularly in males, are things like balancing a checkbook, and cooking.  I have had clients with 19-year-old sons who had yet to do their own laundry, cooked a decent meal from scratch, or balanced the family checkbook even once.

    I consider the following to be essential.  The list is taken from a handout I provide to parents who want to know what their parenting goals should be.  It is not very detailed or comprehensive, but it does start parents asking the right questions.

Self protecting. This includes health and safety issues as well as financial astuteness and the ability to spot bargains, fraudulent sales pitches, and con games.

Health - Your child should be skilled in personal hygiene which includes tooth brushing, flossing, hand washing, and bathing. The ability to handle food properly and determine when a food has spoiled or is tainted. The knowledge of how to dress for various weather conditions, including sun and eye protection. Some knowledge of symptoms deserving medical attention such as: fever, blood in urine, swelling, signs of infection, rashes, skin ulcers, persistent pain or coughing.

Safety - Your child should know how to secure the residence when inside or leaving home as well as a vehicle. Girls should learn how to carry a purse so that it is not vulnerable to snatching. Both sexes need to know how to deal with high risk settings such as car lots, night travel, riding a bus, using public restrooms, walking alone, or receiving help from a stranger or someone they have just met. Both sexes should know how to protect themselves if physically attacked and how to reduce the risk of identity theft.

Financial - Children should learn the more familiar frauds, sales gimmicks, and catch phrases. They should know when, and for what, it is wise to borrow and when, and for what, it is foolish. They should know how to calculate how many hours they must work to pay for something they want, including any interest on a loan. They should know how to read a sales contract and check a receipt for accuracy.

Self providing. This is the ability to meet daily survival needs such as income production, mobility, cooking, personal care, shopping, bookkeeping, etc.

Finances - Your child should know how to fill out a job application, answer basic questions in an interview session, and determine options to insure he or she can get to the job site when required. The child should know how to use the want ads, and compose a simple resume’. Children should learn how to earn and manage money. Managing money includes the skill of maintaining a checking account, either real or mock, budgeting, bill paying, and knowing when it is smart to purchase and when it is smart to hold onto the money. Practical knowledge can be gained by maintaining the family’s purchases and accounts for at least 3 consecutive months. They should know how to deposit and withdraw money from both checking and saving accounts, and how to use the monthly statements to reconcile their own records.

Personal care - includes laundry, house cleaning, personal grooming, food preparation, diet planning, grocery shopping, clothing repair, and purchases.

Mobility - includes knowing how to read a bus schedule, drive and maintain an automobile, and secure a taxi or shuttle bus. Reading a city street map and being able to estimate within a few blocks a desired address is a great skill that can be learned just by using the map in the yellow pages.

Self controlling. This is the ability to act responsibly in work, community, and leisure relationships. It is also evidenced by being submissive to authority.

Responsibility - The child should be well equipped to determine what is his or her responsibility in a relationship and what is someone else’s responsibility. This includes such things as who is responsible for who’s happiness, feelings, success, and calamities. He or she should be good at setting boundaries that warn when someone is trying to hold your child accountable for something that is not their responsibility. This also includes taking the initiative when doing so is in keeping with those actions for which the child is responsible, such as honoring commitments.

Judgment - includes the ability to determine the best use of your child’s time, energy, money, and other resources rather than let someone else influence or control their use. It involves personal values and the making of value based decisions.

Self secure. The ability to maintain a moral lifestyle despite the threat of scorn or rejection from those with whom he or she would like to or does associate.

Self esteem - Emotionally independent children make for strong adults. They do not "need" the approval or acceptance of others to make the right decisions for themselves or sustain their self image. They have learned from their family that conditional love is not to be a factor in their making a decision. They resist being manipulated and taken advantage of by others. They are free to give whatever to whomever they wish, not motivated by feelings of guilt, but by a clear minded choice. Here is a child who can say "no" without being controlled by the fear that doing so will displease or anger someone valued by the child. They are not afraid to be assertive and speak up when they need something or are being hurt. They are neither afraid to leave their parent(s), nor wanting to escape home.

Self awareness - A child who has learned to identify, articulate, and take ownership of his or her own thoughts, opinions, preferences, values, emotions, short comings, weaknesses, and religion is far less likely to have relationship and boundary setting problems than his out of touch peer.

Self directing. Able to make and execute sound decisions and life choices without having to depend on someone else making and executing them for him or her.

Decision making - is something best learned in a home that encourages it, and does so in an environment that does not belittle or condemn the child for errors. It goes hand and hand with learning responsibility and practicing such skills as directing the family budget for 3 months. The child needs to learn what information is needed for which decisions, and how or from whom to secure the information. The child needs to experience failure in a safe environment so that learning takes place without fear of damaging reprisals distorting the judgment process.

Motivated - The well trained child is a self starter and is not dependent on someone else setting a schedule and enforcing it with punishment and rewards. This child is fully aware of how his or her present behavior is directly related to future blessings or consequences.