What advice can you offer someone who's fiancée has ended the relationship and is unwilling to try to resolve the conflicts they've experienced?

 

This answer applies regardless of whether it is the fiancée or the fiancé in question. I am drawn to the last three words "they have experienced." If you are referring to the conflicts which are unique to the individual who has ended the relationship, then my answer is little or nothing can be done. This person must first be aware that she (or he) is experiencing unnecessary hindrances to living a good life as a result of these conflicts, and also desire to take action to relieve or resolve those conflicts. About the only thing that can be done is to expose this person to others who are healthier, and/or have been through similar situations. It is hoped that by doing so, the individual will compare herself (or himself) to these healthier others and come to those two realizations just mentioned.

If, however, you meant the last three words to read, "we have experienced," or "she (or he) incited," then that is another issue altogether. In that case, it sounds like you are wanting her (or him) to come to some agreement with you that injuries have occurred, and some form of repentance and restitution are in order. How you go about this is dependent on with whom the conflicts exist.

If the conflicts to which you refer are between you and this person, I would think that they would become moot upon the dissolution of the relationship. How can you sustain a conflict with another person who has cut off relations with you? You will probably feel bitter about the experiences you had with this person, but those experiences should have ended with the breakup. Conflict should no longer exist and the issue dropped. At this point all you can hope to do is learn from those events. If there is still conflict, then that throws into doubt that the relationship has been terminated.

If, however, the conflicts involved you and others, for example your friends or family, or his family, then things can get a bit sticky. You will not likely receive any help from this person, so you will need to resolve as much as you can unilaterally -- that is to say, by yourself. You can try approaching these others and first asking them what they believe about you that is negatively affecting their relationship with you. The hard part will be for you to listen without defending or explaining yourself. Hold off on those for now, just listen and make notes of what they say. Then, review your notes with them to make sure your notes accurately portray their statements. Then ask them what it would take to create doubt and rethink their position. Again, listen to them because they will be giving you the answer you sought from the beginning to the question, "what can I do?" If they cooperate with you on these two issues, chances are that the door has not been locked against you. You now have to leave their presence and return after you have done your homework, that is, apply their process answer to the specific issues that they hold against you.

I highly recommend that you do this on a second visit, even though your emotions might be running high at the moment and you just cannot wait to straighten things out then and there. There are two advantages to waiting. One, it gives you time to calm down and review your responses while thinking more about how they might react to them. Second, it gives them a chance to begin warming up to your next visit as their curiosity begins to cause its own level of doubt before you ever return. If you respond defensively at any level during that first visit, you give up the power of these two advantages. Why would you give up such powerful advantages after all you have been through?