CHARACTERISTICS OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

 

Most of us have gone through life making assumptions about what is "normal" without answering the question "What is healthy?" Many "needy" adults grew up in families with unhealthy models of marriage and, because of the lack of healthy models, are still operating in a partial vacuum. One of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is an example of a healthy marital relationship. The following characteristics are not exhaustive, but are offered as basic to healthy marriages.

 

1. Respect

Respect is an attitude of recognition and esteem, often expressed through courtesy. Respect is evident by my acceptance of you, your autonomy, and your uniqueness. I do not try to change you or invalidate your tastes and preferences. I accept your "no" at face value without demanding that you must explain to my satisfaction the basis of your "no" before I will honor it. A healthy relationship is not about control, power, or differing levels of worth. Because we are inherently different by design does not translate to one of us being superior or inferior to the other. Just because God set the man in the position of leader, of being totally responsible for all that goes on within his family, does not mean that the wife is in any way a lesser person. Both adults in the relationship are able to take initiative and to respond. There is a mutual interest in what is best for the welfare of the other. We eliminate the idea of ownership.

Respect seems to go hand in hand with honesty which is evident when people are free to openly express themselves. I have given up fear of rejection when I am less than expected, when I am vulnerable, when you might disagree with me. I can tell you my feelings, thoughts, opinions, and preferences without fear of an emotional catastrophe.

2. Autonomy

Autonomy means each of us taking full responsibility for, and control of, our own lives -- our moods, growth, and for the consequences of our thoughts and actions. We are clear about for whom and for what we are responsible, and for whom and for what we are not responsible. We know and respect the boundaries and limits of others as well as our own. We are able to maintain our own thoughts, opinions, and preferences while honoring the differences of others without having to conform to them. People need to be cautious, in that autonomy sometimes passes for unbridled, unmitigated selfishness. "To hell with the rest of the world, I am going to get what I want when I want it because I am entitled to do what I please." No one is entitled to get what he wants at the expense of someone else’s welfare. While a healthy relationship is not a power struggle between two rigidly autonomous beings, neither should it be symbiotic. The two of you do not have to think and feel the same way about all things. We want to share ourselves without collapsing into one being.

3. Realistic Expectations

We need to be realistic about what we can offer another and what they can offer us. A history of growing up with enmeshed boundaries, unrealistic expectations placed on us, or even magical thinking on our part, can cause us to have very unrealistic expectations of others and ourselves. Expectations can easily cross the line and become demands with consequences inflicted on our partner for not meeting those demands. Be aware that the other person is not going to meet all of your needs – nor should he or she – nor can he or she. You are responsible for meeting most, if not all, of your needs even though different people together (e.g., friends, family, and supervisors) might be able, form time to time, to meet some interpersonal needs. Be cautious of someone who offers or tries to meet all of your needs. It is likely that person is very fearful of rejection, does not take responsibility for themselves, has not developed a sense of self, and is quite emotionally dependent.

4. Trust

Trust says, "I feel psychologically and physically safe with you. I have no fears or anxieties with respect to your treatment of me. For there to be trust, there needs to be consistency, predictability, and demonstrated reliability that he or she follows through with his or her intentions to do good to the other. Although freely given at first, once trust is broken, it takes a great deal of time and effort to rebuild.

Trust goes hand in hand with commitment. To have a healthy relationship we need to pay attention to the dynamics of it, and make a continuing decision to working on our part. We trust that if there are problems in our relationship, at least one of us will ceaselessly work to resolve them to our mutual benefit. We acknowledge that when there are problems, it does not mean the relationship is over and that neither of us will bail out because we have "fallen out of love" with the other. Neither of us will entertain the thought of quitting, nor seek a "better" relationship elsewhere. (Commitment does not include staying in a relationship irrespective of what might occur -- as when life or physical harm are at risk.)

5. Love / Submission

The husband is to love his wife as Christ loves His chosen followers. This does not mean that the wife ought not to love, or cannot also love, her husband. Love is evident when a person places a higher priority on what is best for the welfare of another, than the wants, preferences, convenience, or comfort of his- or her-self. Love can be in the form of positive appreciated actions, or unappreciated restraints and boundaries intended to reduce the occurrence of sinful destructive behaviors.

The wife is called to submit to her husband. Submission is the giving of full support to the direction provided by the husband. It is not the relinquishing of her opinions or preferences. It is not a "mind melt" in which she loses her sense of personal identity. The wife can, and may, hold very strong opposing opinions on a matter while still giving 100% support to the task or direction chosen by her husband. Submission is prohibited when doing so results in a clear violation of the law of the land, or a higher moral law.

6. Tenderness

Tenderness is demonstrated with physical affection (nonsexual physical touching) and gentle words. There is nurturing touch that says, I am here, you are not alone. I offer my support. Tenderness is also expressed in words and an attitude that says "I can confront you without demeaning, insulting, or reviling you." It is so easy, after being with people for long periods of time, to let go of the little niceties and courtesies we are so willing to offer to those we do not know as well. It is easy over time to take our partners, our parents, and even our friends for granted.

7. Forgiveness

Forgiveness means letting go of your desire and "right" to have revenge when there is repentance. It does not mean selling your heart and soul, or your integrity, just to have peace, or "blowing off" the destructive behavior, or that there is to be no justice or consequences. Forgiveness often will be followed by new or redefined boundaries which are intended to reduce the possibility of reoccurrence.