One of the less enjoyable experiences I have in life is visiting Christian book stores stocked with books on the topic of marriage which focus more on rekindling the fire of romance than on each spouse conforming to the Biblical role for each, and often avoid altogether the call to men to Godly masculinity and "agape" love for the wife. Some involve teaching psychological patty-cake, and some contain outright heresy.
Below are a few select books my clients and I have found to be helpful -- books that do no violence to Biblical teaching and are not so lengthy as to be discouraging or intimidating at first sight. One caveat is that some quoted passages presented as being from Scripture in some of these books are not quotations at all but the author's take on a verse that supports his or her viewpoint. Although the misquotes might not constitute heresy, they are the paraphrase of the author and should not be presented as quotations. I find this to be a common practice of Christian authors and one to which I strongly object. Be sure to check out every Bible verse in its context which is referenced in a book to make certain the author is not taking liberties with it.
BOUNDARIES One of the best all around tools I have found. Easy to read and follow, the authors, Cloud & Townsend, present the concept of boundaries, what they are, and how to use them within the confines of scripture. Boundaries are a wonderful tool for helping us be better stewards of our life and resources. They aid us in saying "yes" and "no" at the right times to the right causes and people. They help us define our limits of responsibility with respect to the influential people in our life -- our families, teachers, and employers. Very often we have ineffective boundaries which allow people's controlling nature to limit our ability to separate what God would have us do or be from what they would have us do or be.
I SHOULD FORGIVE BUT... Looking for an easy reading book on forgiveness? Well here is one. Dr. Chuck Lynch gives a very nice presentation of what is involved in forgiving, and just as important, what is not. He also explodes many myths about forgiveness such as "getting over it," and "forgive and forget." He also takes on the more popular arguments for not forgiving. Overall it is a good book, but I offer this caveat. There are two positions regarding whether or not we are to forgive those who are not repentant. This book seems to dodge that issue by the author's use of an analogy he calls the "Jesus jail" which aids readers to understand how they can release an unrepentant offender over to God for justice.
THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE The authors, Smalley & Trent, present a rather novel approach for communicating with the hard of hearing. I do not mean deaf folks, just those that listen but never seem to be touched by what they hear. Their technique requires that you know the intended listener very well and that you are creative enough to figure out the missing parts of their formula. A great example of their technique can be found in the book of Samuel when Nathan the prophet was told to go and confront David about his sins of adultery and murder. Nathan told a story that he knew David would identify with emotionally, a story that well paralleled David's sin. The book gives many illustrations and guides for using the technique. The weak link in their offering is the skill level of the reader. You might find it difficult to pull off the first time or two, but it is an effective method worth your time in practice.
HOW TO BEAT BURNOUT Here is a quick reading, practical, and never out of date book written by Minirth, Hawkins, Meier, and Flournoy. The issue of burnout is one that, like high blood pressure, can sneak up on you or a loved one without you knowing. This book provides simple questions to ask yourself periodically to avoid reaching the burned out stage. But, if you have reached that stage, it gives you easy to carry out steps for reversing the effects. And, more importantly, it provides a way of living that prevents its occurrence.
MEN & WOMEN - ENJOYING THE DIFFERENCE if you are looking for a book on the physiological, psychological, and social differences between men and women, this is not your book. For the life of me, I cannot figure out where Dr. Crabb came up with this title. One chapter near the end does talk on the subject, but the rest of the book focuses on the very basic issue that breeds all sorts of marital and relationship problems, the issue of self-centeredness. I wish Dr. Crabb had gone a tad deeper and focused on the more basic issue of pride, that is, our desire to be god. Nonetheless, this is a great treatment of how self-centeredness has run amuck in this generation, and how it presents itself in a host of seemingly unrelated symptoms that are destroying relationships by the thousands daily. Once read, you might develop a hatred for self-centeredness and begin experiencing release from its devilish charms and deadly fruit of loneliness and bitterness.
FORGIVENESS Are you ready for a treatise on forgiveness? If you are, here is your book. If you are familiar with MacArthur's style, this book will not surprise you. He methodically takes you from the beginning of sin, through the Old Testament, to the death of Jesus, to show you how God's justice and provision fit together and makes perfect sense. If you have ever had difficulty believing you or someone else could be forgiven, plain and simple, this book tells you why you can. My major appreciation for this book is its inclusion of the justice side of God that so often gets left out when the topic of forgiveness is discussed. I wish he would have specifically discussed the issue of forgiving the unrepentant, but there is plenty here to keep you thinking.
IN THE GRIP OF GRACE My all time favorite for what ails you from Max Lucado. It is the best book on the subject I have come across. Grace is a topic that is not difficult to comprehend, it is just one that many of us cannot identify with because we were reared with what is known as "conditional love." Conditional love, if it can even be called love, is dependent on our performance. We learn it from adults who treat us in a 'loving" manner when we please them, and they do not do so when we displease them. This is a well done treatment of what grace is and is not, how to recognize it, accept it, and enjoy it abundantly. If taken to heart, the issue of grace in our life is most liberating. I highly recommend this book to many clients, particularly those who experienced conditional love while growing up and find themselves relentlessly "driven" to perform.
SEXUAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE First let me say, I do not offer sex therapy. There are those who specialize in that field and I am more than happy to refer clients out for that. Yet, quite often we come into marriage with a degree in sex education from Back Alley University. Both men and women in my office are lacking in knowledge of anatomy, the reproductive system in particular, and how aging affects us. The result is clumsiness, misunderstanding of intentions, and general embarrassment. The latter tends to encourage us to withdraw and or become secretive, thus isolating us more from each other. To that end I recommend this book. It is serious, descriptive, and illustrated. Read this and you will know more about sexual intimacy than most of those you meet. The authors, Cutrer & Glahn, pretty much follow a biblical view on related conduct issues, but I disagree with their stand on oral and anal sex.
